image Living Amends

To those that I’ve hurt
And to those that have hurt me
I am making living amends
For I took care of you
Before took care of myself
I made you think that I was weak
Helpless
Insecure
Lacking health

I gambled with my life
And ultimately yours
Suicide
An open, revolving door
Always knocking on Heaven’s gate
While the devil kept score

I wanted love
In the worst possible way
I wanted you to like me
I begged for you to stay
All the while
Pushing you away

Needy to a fault
Disloyal to my spiritual health
I couldn’t face my demons
I felt weak by myself

It was easier to focus on you
Instead of me
You were my selfish sacrifice
But I should’ve thought twice
For when pain overwhelms
I tend to overeact

I’ve learned that you attract
That which you are
And me? I was a falling star
An angel with broken wings
The caterpillar that refused to cocoon
The rose that didn’t bud in Spring
I always fell in love too soon

I can’t apologize for the damage that came before
But I will apologize for bringing it in love’s door

For not healing myself
Before attempting with anyone else

For not acknowledging or understanding my disease
I’m an addict
With borderline personality and PTSD

My mental health
Fell with everything else
Trying to sweep trauma
Under the rug
I never learned to cope with life
So I made you my vice
Though I never again picked up the pipe
I was still filled with strife

Fighting a war
I wasn’t prepared to win
The battle wasn’t with you
It was always from within

Forever repeating
The abuse that came before
I got used to being a muddy doormat
That said “welcome” on the floor

They say
The best apology is changed behavior
And this is my daily reprieve
For I am becoming
A better woman
The best version of me

The woman I see
I never knew her before
I never let her have a chance
For she gave her power away
For a shot at love
That wasn’t built to stay

Everyday clean and sober
Is a day brand new
And I thank you
For the damage that we ensued

I never would have known
The beauty hidden deep inside
If I had never hit rock bottom
That day I spiritually died

That day when God asked me to rededicate my life
I was gifted Desperation
Granted His mercy and grace
Now I search only for His omnipresent face

So this is my living amends
To those that I’ve left behind
To those that I’ve lost
And to those that lost me
Let the Divine help you see
It was never you
It was always me

I couldn’t deal with the pain
That lay dormant within
And though we may never be friends
Let us not die a bitter end

Forgive me
For making you think
That I needed you to save me
When I needed to save myself
And be responsible for my own spiritual health

God is the lamp that now lights my path
The Redemption I’ve found
Is one made to last
I couldn’t manage
My will is not my own
I have finally found
That my heart IS my home
And no longer do I ever have to do this thing called “life” alone

~Phoenix Divine

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