gallery Special 

What makes you so damn special

To forgive everyone else

But not yourself?

Questions posed to me during

Intimate discussions

Confessions of guilt & shame

Nursing self-love, self-worth, and seeking validation

Decisions-

Made in pain

Fruitless labor

Not borne in faith

My hope was in vain

& codependency was the anchor of my Soul

Giving another,

Not worthy-

Control.

Trying to console…

My tortured thoughts.

One way actions,

With hindsight thoughts.

Darkness became a revolutionary sea

Voyage of One

Hearing God’s voice

Reaching out….

Calling out…

To me

Past the oblivion of abusive mentalities

“Will you rededicate your life to me?”

Twice repeated

Until I screamed in a voiceless whisper

From the depths of my Soul

“There is no divine intervention for me…If you can save me, please take control!”

Now on the shores of redemption, mercy & grace

The All that Is never ceases to amaze & will erase

But still-

Shouldering the blame

Still-

Feeling ashamed

Once again

He reaches out

With His celestial hands

Cradling my head

& massaging my heart

Love within

It restarts

The healing begins

With-

Midnight whispers

Vivid dreams & musical lyrics on repeat

Dreamscape memories

Making their way into my consciousness…

This reality

“Please hold onto the light, do not hold onto the pain” repeats again & again & again

This unconditional love

Replaces the unworthiness felt within

For I AM a runaway train

That always looks back

The ultimate time traveler

Derailing until I find the right track

And yet the question repeats again:

What makes you so damn special

To forgive everyone else

But not yourself?

Realization-

Hope & love are pure things unless naively misplaced

Actualization-

An attempt

At forgiving myself

For misreading the map

Not listening to God & getting off track

Navigating life poorly

My GPS has clearly taken me off the right path

I put myself last

Became a doormat to all with dirty hearts

That clung to heavy soul steps

Laden with unclean spiritual motives

I tried to give the weary a place to rest

In my heart & mind

Their ill intentions

Leaving marks on my body & Soul

A backseat driver

Now sliding over to passenger

Letting God take control

For life has taken its toll

Now-

Time to reset

& Enjoy the ride

Again this question repeats:

What makes you so damn special

To forgive everyone else

But not yourself?

But finally the answer is crystal clear to me

I deserve forgiveness

Just like everyone else

Granting myself permission

To return to my Original Self

The Self before painful physical manifestations

Perfect in my creation

Not marred by life or sacrifice

But full of potential & positive energy

For this

Jesus died on the cross for me

So that I could be

Perfect & without sin

In his name I pray & release

All this pain and disharmony

Let me be infused with light

Let the Phoenix take flight

Clarity from within

Realization

I am no less special than anyone else

Actualization

I am forgiven just like everyone else

I say Amen where the prayer ends & begins & returns to infinity once again & again & again

My Redemption is found in the blood of my pen & grace in the words that I speak & mercy in my actions taken

Mistakes from which I AM never doomed to repeat

-Phoenix Divine (3-13-17)

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