She says to me,
“It’s okay to let it go…”
I looked at her…quizzical.
But her smile spoke of…knowing.
She explains to me,
“That place between what was and what is yet to be. The place that harbors your painful memories…it’s okay to let it go.”
I see her smile again…
But this time like an old friend.
“It’s okay to let it go. It’s ok to move on without a sense of control.”
“You don’t have to feel guilty and it’s not a sin.”
“You’ve punished yourself long enough my friend.”
But, I am filled with doubt.
And as my heart cries out,
That this, cannot be…
I must punish myself for fear-based tendencies,
By repeating these bad memories,
Over and over and over and over and over and over again…
Until the tears spill from my eyes and fill the inkwell of my pen.
These stories I could re-write a thousand times,
Retelling a thousand lies,
That broke my heart…
Still I would cry.
Still not easing the pain.
Still feeling drained.
And so she repeats to me once again,
Less like an angel and more like my friend,
“It’s ok to let go of this, of control.”
“To operate from your heart,”
“Allowing it to flow and restart…”
But all I could say was, “I’m afraid…”
Afraid of what it would mean for me,
To let go of the pain, the fear, and the worry.
To allow love to flow in and out.
Could I truly be happy or would I succumb to the darkness of loneliness once again?
See, fear has been such a loyal friend.
And happiness is fair weather depending upon the mood that I’m in…
And so I repeat,
In a whisper,
“But if you lead, I promise I’ll follow you the whole way…”
And that was when she told me…
“You don’t have to be afraid.”
“You already know the way.”
“All you have to do,”